Making Meaning Out of Nonsense
By, Sheri
"Why me?" is a question I asked myself, as do many other people when
they are first diagnosed. For me, it was not a question of self-pity,
but a challenge to determine what meaning cancer played in my life.
As an eleven-year survivor of a rare malignant brain tumor (diagnosed
at age 24), I am fortunate to have had many years to reflect on the
meaning of cancer in my life.
I found myself being drawn to existential literature about three
years after my cancer experience. Existential philosophy put into
words my process of dealing with cancer. To be very simplistic, existentialists
believe that in acknowledging and coming to terms with the "givens
(limits) of existence," one finds the freedom to both see and choose
from the possibilities life has to offer. Existentialists also believe
that in accepting the limits of existence, we allow ourselves to live
fully in the present. Finally, another tenet of existentialism is
that there is no definite meaning to existence. Each of us must define
meaning from our individual experiences we have in life.
So how does this all relate to my cancer experience? First, I translated
"accepting the givens of existence" to mean: If I can't change the
fact that there is a big "wall" (or limit) in my life, all I can change
is my relationship to that wall. I reframed my cancer experience as
an opportunity to learn. My responsibility was to determine what exactly
I was supposed to learn. An experience which had seemed senseless
and devoid of meaning, now offered tremendous opportunity!
It was during an exercise at the Cancer Support and Education Center
in Menlo Park, California, that I received my first clue. In the exercise,
the group members were asked to fold a piece of paper in half and
on one side, list all of their needs, writing them down as quickly
as they could think of them. Then, on the opposite side of the page,
we were asked to write down how we satisfied these needs in our lives.
Well I flunked both parts. After I had written down three or four
of my needs, I couldn't think of anymore. At age 24, I had not really
considered what my needs were. After our group meeting, I thought
of many more needs: my need to express my creativity, my need for
stimulation and change, my need for security and stability, my need
for adventure, and many more. Then came the second half of the exercise:
To list ways I had in my life to satisfy these newly acknowledged
needs. I realized for most of my needs, I had no clear ways in my
life to meet them. I vowed that night to restructure my life to meet
my needs.
Although it took me some time to regroup and make the changes, I
have had nothing but immense satisfaction in leading a life that meets
my needs. To me, this happiness defines what total health is all about.
Taking responsibility for getting well, physically, emotionally and
spiritually, gave me an incredibly positive attitude. I had faith
that the surgery, radiation and chemotherapy would be strong in attacking
my first tumor. My real challenge was to gain balance in my life by
living a life that was structured to meet all my needs.
I want to make a clear distinction here. Although I took responsibility
for getting and staying well, this never translated to taking responsibility
for causing my cancer. I believe that cancer has a life of its own
and there are causes too numerous and diverse to name. I feel that
with the exception of a few cancers, nobody ever knows the cause of
their cancer. Instead of looking for the cause of cancer in my life,
I looked for the meaning of cancer in my life. I knew that I had created
a lot of stress and was not leading a balanced life which met my needs.
On top of this, I was not expressing my emotions. I decided that these
situations, if left unchanged, might impact my immune system and allow
the cancer to grow. I do not think that I caused my cancer, I just
wanted to take responsibility for making the changes I could to promote
full health.
If I had to summarize in one word what cancer has given me in my
life, it is FREEDOM. This might sound bizarre for those of you who
have been recently diagnosed. It was only after several years of reflection
that I figured this out. It was the freedom to make different choices
and see new possibilities in my life. The freedom to live my life
fully in the present, without focusing on the past or worrying about
the future.
Before my cancer, I overextended myself in both my personal and professional
lives. I felt responsible for other people's happiness and attempted
to solve everyone's problems for them. I also kept so busy, being
an achiever and taking care of everyone at the same time, that I had
forgotten to take care of myself. I had to let go of the "shoulds"
and "oughts" in my life. Beliefs, such as, "I can do anything" and
"I'm the unending giver" had to be modified.
I now know how to say "no" to others and I can be a receiver in relationships
by offering others a chance to give. I balance my need for change
and challenge with focus and relaxation. I set realistic goals and
have learned others respect these honest expectations. I am in a career
that I feel passionate about. I allow myself time to do all the things
I enjoy, to explore the world, to satisfy my curiosity, to take care
of my health, and to nurture my relationships. I surrender to my inner
strength rather than trying to control every situation. I live my
life with joy and gratitude.
Existentialists believe that it is part of the human condition to
struggle over one's purpose in life. During a self-development seminar
I attended, the group members were asked to write down his or her
purpose in life. "Wow, that's heavy," I thought. Even though I had
never articulated my purpose, it instantly came to mind: To know myself
well enough to use my gifts and to authentically express who I am
in the world. I have lived by this purpose ever since. I've felt no
pressure to "perform," but rather I continually try to better understand
myself and challenge myself to stay aware of or create opportunities
to touch others' lives or enrich my own by being who I am. What do
you think the existentialists would say about that??
I have also learned the joy of living fully in the present. Before
I was sick, when I was in grade school I wanted to be in high school;
when I was in high school, I wanted to be in college; when I was in
college, I wanted to be working; when working on Wall St. I wanted
to be starting my own company. . . .
Now I have learned to enjoy the process. I am fully satisfied every
step of the way. I don't wait to feel satisfied only when I reach
the next point. This does not mean that I do not have goals in my
life. It just means that I am going to take my time and enjoy the
process of meeting them. Another difference is that I have balanced
goals in my life.
At the Cancer Support and Education Center, we were asked to create
different kinds of goals over various periods of time. We set two-week,
one-month, six-month and one-year goals in many areas of our lives
including: life-work (which is clearly more than a job), health goals,
relationship goals and pure pleasure goals (my personal favorite!)
We then identified mini-steps for achieving even the shortest-term
goals. This is how I began to restructure my life. I have continued
to set goals this way through out the last eleven years.
Making meaning out of a seemingly random experience has been very
powerful for me. As the existentialists say, no one can define the
meaning for us; it is a process of discovery and reflection. Sometimes
it is a matter of "trying on" one meaning and seeing how it feels
for you. Cancer in your life may make a lot more sense than you think.
